“The hardest part of war was coming home.” An Army Veteran’s Mental Health Story
The hardest part of war was coming home. I remember just thinking like, okay, I had planned not to make it, but I really didn't have a plan for if I did make it. But I'm here. I'm alive, and I'm grateful for that.
My name's Kurt. I'm an army Veteran. 13 Foxtrot Ford Observer. Joined the army after 9/11 and got out in 2006. Deployed to both Cuba and Iraq. I served in Ramadi, Iraq in 2005 and 2006. That was some of the heaviest combat of the war. Served with some of the greatest warriors I've ever met in my life. On October 10th, 2005, I was on a reconnaissance mission and I got the side of my chest blown out by a sniper. I refused my medevac out of country. I continued to fight with a hole in my chest. Never thought I would make it though. But when I did make it home, everyone wants you to be the person you were before the war. And I truly think, for better or worse, that no one's the same.
I was having anxiety, depression for sure, and really what I had struggled with post-war was survivor guilt. I remember having reoccurring dreams of one of my friends that was killed for years, and I'd come to the realization in the middle of the dream, he's dead. I'd wake up and just be horrified, right? But no one knows what you're going through, and that's fine. I certainly wanted to give up at times, but quitting isn't an option and I always say, the heroes that didn't make it would like to be alive just to have a bad day. I knew I had to keep pushing.
I don't know how much faith I necessarily had in treatment. I didn't feel like anyone could relate to me. And I found it helpful! That's why I'm so open and honest about this. I felt that a weight had really been taken off my shoulders. It made everyday life better. You can talk about specific events, but you don't have to either. There's a certain level of exposure therapy where I said I could not, when I came home, watch war movies. It was just too real. But what you find out is by kind of doing some of this exposure therapy and really kind of addressing it head on is you take away the power of these triggers.
The correlation between physical and mental health. I say, "I have to get my workouts in, I have to get out, I have to get sunlight." I meditate. I do yoga. I've learned so much through therapy. Putting myself first. I think I'm far more open-minded because of that really learning perspective in the therapy side of things. Someone wants to talk about a bad day and maybe even say at that time, is, "Yeah, you don't know what a bad day is. A bad day is going outside the wire and not coming back with everyone." But over time you realize, how could people get it that have never been there? And how can I hold them accountable for the experiences they didn't have?
I knew I had to adjust accordingly, so I became a police officer. I have a very supportive family, supportive fiance, very supportive coworkers and battle buddies. All these people love you and they want you to be happy. I say to Veterans all the time, especially ones I serve with, "You would've died from me overseas, but you can't pick up the phone and tell me that you're having a bad day?" And they say, "I never looked at it that way." If your story isn't as bad as mine, in your opinion, that's a good thing. I know we can fix you. I'll tell you that from getting help, every day of my life is better and I couldn't be more grateful for it.
