What should I know about managing my relationships with friends and family?
Relationships with friends, family, and co-workers can have a major impact on your everyday life. The love, support, and friendship of people who care about you may make the good times even better and can help you get through the bad times. Oftentimes, Veterans get closer to their families and friends when faced with challenging situations; yet there are occasions when difficult experiences or unhealthy relationships with family members, friends, or peers can cause excessive stress or challenges.
Many Veterans are dealing with stress related to military family life or challenges that are common to many families, such as finding or keeping a job and caring for spouses, children, or elderly parents. Relationships can be strained by these situations even when family and friends are also a source of happiness and support.
There are times when getting along with other people can be more difficult than you expect. If you’re returning from deployment or other time away from family and friends, or if you’re undergoing a significant change in your life, such as retiring, moving, or changing jobs, you may not feel as if you are the same person you once were — or you may feel that those close to you have changed. Perhaps the things your family and friends care about don’t seem as important to you anymore. Your family and friends may notice you have changed as well, and they may feel hurt, confused, sad, or angry. Your loved ones may feel awkward around you because they are not sure what to say or do to make you feel comfortable. Communication can be hard during the best of times, even with those you are closest to — but not communicating during challenging experiences may cause more trouble down the road.
Some Veterans, members of the National Guard, and Reservists return home from being away and immediately notice that things are different. Others may enjoy being home seeing family and friends at first, but then, as the feeling of celebration fades, they notice that their lives aren’t the same as when they left. It is understandable to want to spend some time alone after an intense or stressful time or to feel as though others around you may not understand what you’ve been through during your time in the military. However, not reaching out to family and friends can sometimes lead to social isolation or relationship conflicts — and may actually make you feel worse over time. It is essential to your well-being, as well as to the well-being of those around you, to make time to reconnect with other people. You should also take time for yourself. Both are important.
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What family and relationship-related issues should I keep an eye out for?
Relationships can change quickly, especially after a major change in your life, or changes can happen slowly over time and may be difficult to notice. You may want to reach out for help if you notice any of the following in your relationships:
- Feeling disconnected or misunderstood by your family and closest friends
- Arguing a lot with family members or friends
- Feeling distant from your spouse/partner
- Feeling like you and your spouse/partner cannot agree on household tasks or like you’ve been replaced in your former role after being away
- Feeling like a stranger in your own home or noticing that your children seem disconnected from you
- Feeling emotionally distant or numb
- Wanting to avoid people who used to be important to you
- Drinking alcohol more often, or taking drugs
- Being constantly on edge or jumpy
- Feeling angry or irritable
- Having problems eating or sleeping
- Feeling hopeless
- Forgetting things often
- Losing interest or pleasure in things you normally enjoy
- Having difficulty living your usual life or just getting through the day
- Acting violently or being physically aggressive
What can I do about family and relationship issues?
There are several steps you can take that may help you manage your relationship issues. Try to remember to:
- Make a “communication plan” for expressing your thoughts and feelings with those you care about; think about what you want to say and how to say it.
- Listen to what others who care about you have to say.
- Find something social to do — a hobby, a Veterans’ group, volunteer work, or participation in a place of worship.
- Pace your social involvement and family activities; don’t overdo it or overwhelm yourself.
- Discover ways you can spend time with others in ways that aren’t too emotionally or physically demanding.
- Get the right amount of sleep.
- Maintain a healthy diet by eating right.
Take the next step to connect with care.
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Read VA's latest coronavirus information. If you have flu-like symptoms such as fever, cough, and shortness of breath, please call before you visit your local medical center or clinic. If you have an appointment, consider making it a telehealth appointment.
New to VA? Apply for health care benefits.
- Getting started is simple. Create a free account online to help ease your enrollment process. To prepare to apply for VA health care in person, by telephone, or by mail, explore VA’s “How to Apply” page.
- Not sure whether you are eligible for VA health care benefits? Read about eligibility for VA health care.
- Unsure of what kind of help you need? Call 1-877-222-VETS (1-877-222-8387) to find the right resources to meet your needs, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET. If you have hearing loss, call TTY: 1-800-877-8339.
- Veterans’ family members and caregivers can see whether they qualify for VA medical benefits as a spouse, surviving spouse, dependent child, or caregiver. Explore family and caregiver health benefits.
Already enrolled in VA and interested in mental health support? Schedule a mental health appointment.
- If you’re already enrolled and using VA health care, the fastest way to schedule VA appointments is to call the VA facility where you want to receive care.
- With VA Appointments tools, you can schedule some VA health care appointments online, view details about upcoming appointments, and organize your health care calendar.
- If you’re not using VA medical services, contact your nearest VA medical center or Vet Center to talk about your needs.
What about other options at VA? VA offers a variety of tools and resources.
- The Veteran Training online self-help portal for overcoming everyday challenges includes modules on managing anger, developing parenting and problem-solving skills, and more.
- Mental health apps for Veterans cover a variety of topics, ranging from PTSD to anger management to quitting smoking.
- VA TeleMental Health connects you with a VA mental health provider through a computer or mobile device in your home or at your nearest VA health facility. You can learn more about this option from your local VA medical center.
- Vet Centers are community-based counseling centers across the nation in all 50 states and US territories that provide a wide range of social and psychological services, including professional readjustment counseling to eligible Veterans, Service members – including National Guard and Reserve components – and their families. Counselors and outreach staff, many of whom are Veterans themselves, are experienced and prepared to discuss the tragedies of war, loss, grief and transition after trauma. To learn more, visit the Vet Center website or find a nearest Vet Center. Teams are also available 24/7 by phone at 1-877-927-8387.
What about support beyond VA?
There’s a whole community of support ready to help with whatever you’re going through. Use this tool to find resources near you.