What should I know about experiencing the death of family or friends?
Losing a friend or loved one is always difficult and may sometimes be traumatic. Whether your best friend or spouse passes away after a long illness or you lose a battle buddy in combat, these losses are painful. There is no “right” way to respond to losing a friend or relative. Grief is an extremely personal response that is unique to you and the nature of your loss.
Some Veterans experience traumatic grief following the sudden death of a family member or friend or after witnessing multiple casualties, as in a military combat situation, natural disaster, or accident. You may have lost a friend in your unit, and you keep thinking about what you could have done to prevent it. Or maybe you are filled with anger at others who you feel caused the death. Perhaps you have lost a parent, your spouse, or someone who has been part of your life for a long time.
“I felt like it was time for me to move on after losing my best friend, but there was such an empty hole in my life. I didn’t see how I’d ever feel happy again.”
Grieving is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one or friend, and a wide range of responses is common. You may experience any of the following:
- Feeling numb and being distracted
- Yearning for the person you lost or your old way of life
- Being angry and irritable
- Feeling very tired or having trouble sleeping
- Distancing yourself from certain people or becoming much closer to others
- Becoming more quiet than usual
- Feeling like you aren't the same person you were before your friend or loved one died
- Questioning your faith or struggling with spiritual questions
- Having conflicting emotions, such as feeling despair as well as relief
- Wanting to end your life and join the person who died
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What should I keep an eye out for after the loss of a friend or family member?
Grieving is a difficult time, but for most people life begins to improve again soon, maybe even after just a few weeks. However, some people experience grief that lasts for a very long time or in ways that make it difficult to carry on with normal life. If you can’t sleep for a long period of time or feel agitated, unsettled, or hopeless for more than a couple of weeks, you may want to reach out for help with the grieving process. If you have a chronic medical condition that has worsened because of the emotional and physical stress of grief, you should contact your doctor right away.
What can I do after losing a friend or family member?
Getting support from friends and family and making sure to eat right, get enough rest, and exercise are usually the best ways to take care of yourself for however long it takes to work through your grief.
“I didn’t leave the house for a week after my wife passed away. She’d been with me since I got back from combat and supported me through the worst of it. Talking to my pastor helped a lot, though. He reminded me that she wouldn’t have wanted me to come this far just to break down now.”
After the death of a family member or friend, try to remember to:
- Take care of your health and eat well.
- Let others help you.
- Exercise to release stress.
- Talk with friends, especially those who were close to the person or who understand the situation.
- Speak with a spiritual or religious adviser or chaplain.
- Focus on how the person lived, not how he or she passed away.
- Express how you feel.
- Rest and get enough sleep.
- Avoid quick fixes that you may think will help you cope, like drinking alcohol, taking drugs, or smoking cigarettes.
You shouldn’t feel the need to set a timetable for getting over your loss — but if your grief is making it hard to function for more than a week or two, you may want to reach out for support. Talking to close friends and loved ones about your feelings and concerns or joining a grief support group may help you feel more connected with other people and less lonely.
Take the next step to connect with care.
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Read VA's latest coronavirus information. If you have flu-like symptoms such as fever, cough, and shortness of breath, please call before you visit your local medical center or clinic. If you have an appointment, consider making it a telehealth appointment.
New to VA? Apply for health care benefits.
- Getting started is simple. Create a free account online to help ease your enrollment process. To prepare to apply for VA health care in person, by telephone, or by mail, explore VA’s “How to Apply” page.
- Not sure whether you are eligible for VA health care benefits? Read about eligibility for VA health care.
- Unsure of what kind of help you need? Call 1-877-222-VETS (1-877-222-8387) to find the right resources to meet your needs, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET. If you have hearing loss, call TTY: 1-800-877-8339.
- Veterans’ family members and caregivers can see whether they qualify for VA medical benefits as a spouse, surviving spouse, dependent child, or caregiver. Explore family and caregiver health benefits.
Already enrolled in VA and interested in mental health support? Schedule a mental health appointment.
- If you’re already enrolled and using VA health care, the fastest way to schedule VA appointments is to call the VA facility where you want to receive care.
- With VA Appointments tools, you can schedule some VA health care appointments online, view details about upcoming appointments, and organize your health care calendar.
- If you’re not using VA medical services, contact your nearest VA medical center or Vet Center to talk about your needs.
What about other options at VA? VA offers a variety of tools and resources.
- The Veteran Training online self-help portal for overcoming everyday challenges includes modules on managing anger, developing parenting and problem-solving skills, and more.
- Mental health apps for Veterans cover a variety of topics, ranging from PTSD to anger management to quitting smoking.
- VA TeleMental Health connects you with a VA mental health provider through a computer or mobile device in your home or at your nearest VA health facility. You can learn more about this option from your local VA medical center.
- Vet Centers are community-based counseling centers across the nation in all 50 states and US territories that provide a wide range of social and psychological services, including professional readjustment counseling to eligible Veterans, Service members – including National Guard and Reserve components – and their families. Counselors and outreach staff, many of whom are Veterans themselves, are experienced and prepared to discuss the tragedies of war, loss, grief and transition after trauma. To learn more, visit the Vet Center website or find a nearest Vet Center. Teams are also available 24/7 by phone at 1-877-927-8387.
What about support beyond VA?
There’s a whole community of support ready to help with whatever you’re going through. Use this tool to find resources near you.