Scott had to train himself to detach emotionally in combat so that he could focus on fulfilling his mission without worrying about his family and whether or not he would see them again. When he returned home, he discovered that reconnecting with his family wasn't as easy as he thought it would be. Hear how he got help from VA to get his life back.
View Video TranscriptScott:
My name is Scott. I was in the Marine Corps from ‘93 to ‘99, and then I reenlisted when the war broke out and spent... reenlisted in ‘04 and went through ‘07. You know, I left my two kids behind when I went over, right, and they were 15 and 12 when I came over, and for me it was really hard because within the first few days, you know, we were attacked a bunch of times and, you know, we had a few RPG shot at our helicopter flying into Fallujah before we even hit the ground, and I had a lot of guilt, a lot of guilt. You know, I kinda thought, “I'm not coming home.” You know, here I am selfish dad going off to play, you know, like a little kid and be a war hero. This stuff is no joke and now I'm not going home. I couldn't let that effect me, because ultimately what was important was the Marine on my left and the Marine on my right, and that's what I need to remember. And that's why when I say I flipped a switch, that's what I did. They were now my family. You know, I had a family back home, but this was now my family.
The first few months after I came home, it was nice. It was fun, you know. Everybody comes up, and it’s like, “Hey, nice to be home.” You know, “Good job.” Whatever, “How was it?” You know, blah, blah, and you’re like this big war hero, and then after everybody’s done that to you, everybody’s come up, and you know you’ve said it to me, you don’t say it again. So, once I’ve, you know, went through that group of people, it’s like all of a sudden now I’m just every other guy on the street you know, and that’s when things started to really kind of hit me.
The home life wasn’t too bad. I mean, my kids understood. You know, it was kinda okay. My youngest one would kinda laugh about it. She was real proud. You know, she was real like you know, “My daddy, my daddy,” you know, and they would laugh about it, because the way I would drive when I came home and stuff, but you know and then I think as time went on, they started to see the nasty side of it. You know, I’d come home, and I didn’t have a lot of patience. I still don’t have a lot of patience for people, and they would see that side of it, and they would see me you know, “Why didn’t you do this?” There was no like middle ground. It was just like zero to 100 yelling, mad, upset, couldn’t handle it, and the hard part for me was the whole time I’m doing this, I knew inside it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop it, and I think that was the big thing for them, that maybe effected them.
Where I really started to feel it was when I went back to work, you know and I noticed going back to work for me was really, really hard. I felt like people were looking at me like I was strange, like something was off, and I don’t know if it was something personal that was going on inside of me, but I just started to feel really isolated. And you know, some of the counselors told me that was probably my own, you know, kinda like feeling that way was something that was going on inside of me. People usually don’t just look at people like that. And so, I kinda isolated myself at work. I’d go in really early. I’d sit in the dark, do my work, and leave. You know, I didn’t have a lot of social interaction at work. There was times I would just leave work and I would walk down the middle of our, you know, corridor thing and, you know, I would just… people were walking at me, and I’d walk right down the middle, and I’d just think to myself don’t hit me, don’t touch me, if you touch me, I’m putting you down. You know, and I’ve tried to adapt, and I tried to kinda function as a normal person, but you know there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t crave that normalcy that I had at one time, you know, because I don’t have it anymore.
Since I’ve been back, I’ve acquired kinda like a compulsiveness. I never had any of this before I went to Iraq. It’s all, I believe, it’s all a direct result of something that happened when I came back. I would get up and check the doors multiple times. You know, I mean I would go physically unlock the door, lock it, and be like okay, it’s locked, go upstairs. Go back down, did I check it? And go down and check it again, and I did that a lot. I would try to sleep, but just never could get to sleep. Any noises would wake me up, you know, and then the nightmares came and I kinda was like if I go to sleep, I’m gonna have this nightmare and I had a lot of reoccurring nightmares, you know. And that’s when Josh finally called me a few months after we got back, and he finally got a hold of me, and he kinda talked to me a little bit about it, and said, “Hey, we gotta get you in.” And so, that’s when, you know, he kinda hand walked me into the VA and just started the process.
I mean, I knew the VA existed. I just didn’t know exactly what they had to offer me. So, when Josh called me, he was like, “Hey, we gotta get you down there,” blah, blah, blah. “We have this thing called a case manager... Combat Case Manager. You know, she’s really nice. You know, I’ll call her,” so on and so forth.” So, within a couple hours I believe or maybe it was the next day, I had a phone call from his case manager, and she said, “Come in as soon as you can.”
They got me enrolled in the system, which is a process. You know, get you enrolled in the healthcare system. And then she kinda screened me and she said, you know, she’s like, “I believe you’re suffering from depression, PTSD, anxiety, you know everything that goes along with it.” She said, you know, that people with PTS kinda of operate, you know, you go to that scale from zero to ten, and you know the normal person might operate at a 0 or a 1, you know, and they might get a little angry and it goes up to a 3 or a 4, but then it just kind of goes away. To where people with PTSD or PTS, you know, they operate at that 7-8 level. You know, so when they get… something happens, they go to a ten like instantly and that’s rage, and that was a pretty good analogy of me. I mean, it’s like I can feel very calm, but there’s no in between.
If you don’t feel normal and you feel like you’re starting to isolate yourself, because like that’s one of the big things, then you need to go down to the VA or a Vet Center or find a Veteran organization, seek help, and at least talk to somebody to find out, you know, what it is you’re going through, because you’re not alone.
No matter what you may be experiencing, there is support for getting your life on a better track. Many, many Veterans have found the strength to reach out and make the connection.
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If you are a Veteran or know a Veteran who is feeling hopeless or having thoughts of suicide, talk to someone right away. Consider sharing what you're feeling and thinking with your family, friends, or health care provider. In addition, you can call the Veterans Crisis Line: Dial 988 and then Press 1, chat online at VeteransCrisisLine.net, or send a text to 838255. The Veterans Crisis Line offers free, confidential support, 24/7. Learn more steps you can take on our Feelings of Hopelessness page.
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If you find yourself living with guilt or remorse about a past action or inaction, try to set aside time to think about your feelings. Remember that everyone has things they would have done differently—but no one can change the past or predict the future. Sometimes the experience is worse if you keep your feelings to yourself. Telling someone, like a family member or friend, about your regrets or guilty feelings can be a good first step to overcoming them. Learn more steps you can take on our Guilt page.
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If you are experiencing loss of interest or pleasure, try to plan a pleasurable activity daily, even if it's something small. Physical activity can improve your mood and help you sleep better. Talking to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're feeling can also be helpful. They may be able to provide support and help you discover what is causing you to lose interest in things you once enjoyed. Learn more steps you can take on our Loss of Interest or Pleasure page.
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Allowing social withdrawal or social isolation to continue unchecked will only make your situation more challenging. Consider reaching out to your family members, friends, or health care provider, even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing. Connect with Veterans' groups or participate in clubs or hobbies focused on something you like. Research shows that spending time talking with others improves your mood and has a positive effect on health. Learn more steps you can take on our Social Withdrawal and Isolation page.
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If you are experiencing eating problems, find healthy ways to manage stress, such as taking a walk, going for a run, practicing relaxation exercises like deep breathing or meditation, or doing something nice for yourself like watching a movie or reading. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Eating Problems page.
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Video Title: A Veteran’s Journey From Homelessness to Hope
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If you are experiencing headaches, try to rest with your eyes closed and head supported. Getting enough sleep, eating regularly without skipping meals, staying hydrated, and maintaining good posture are simple lifestyle changes that can help you avoid or reduce headaches. Talk to your doctor if you experience frequent or recurring headaches, which can be a sign of a medical issue. Learn more steps you can take on our Headaches page.
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There are several ways to improve your sleep right away: (1) Make your bedroom a place just for sleeping—not for activities like watching TV, reading, working, or listening to the radio. (2) Avoid light exposure from screens at night, which can throw off your sleep cycle. (3) Avoid alcohol and large meals near bedtime. (4) Maintain a regular sleep schedule. In addition, talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Trouble Sleeping page.
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If you are experiencing confusion, try to slow down and focus on the task at hand. Take regular breaks to avoid feeling tired and overwhelmed. Avoid drinking alcohol, which can make confusion worse. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a medical condition such as TBI might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Confusion page.
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If I'm experiencing difficulty concentrating, what can I do about it right away?
If you are experiencing difficulty concentrating, avoid distractions like loud music or the television. Develop a routine and try to stick to a regular schedule. Additionally, take regular breaks to prevent feeling tired. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a condition such as TBI, ADHD, or anxiety might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Difficulty Concentrating page.
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Dizziness
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Video Title: Army Veteran learns to manage TBI symptoms
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If you are experiencing dizziness, lie down for a few minutes with your head slightly elevated. Lifestyle changes such as drinking more water, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol or drugs can help. Medications and medical conditions such as heart disease or ear issues can also cause dizziness; consult a medical provider if you get dizzy on a regular basis. If you suddenly lose function in part of your body (e.g., arm weakness, face drooping, difficulty speaking) along with experiencing vertigo, this can indicate a serious problem, such as a stroke. Call 911 and seek medical help immediately. Learn more steps you can take on our Dizziness page.
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Flashbacks
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Video Title: Triggers | Signs of a Mental Health Challenge
Video Title: Ending the grip of nightmares and flashbacks
Video Title: A science class causes a flashback for Tim
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If I’m experiencing a flashback, what can I do about it right away?
A flashback can be distressing for you and those around you. Try grounding yourself by focusing on details of your surroundings or neutral physical sensations, such as the feeling of your feet on the floor. Call someone you trust and tell them what is happening. Your family, friends, or health care provider may be able to provide support and help you deal with your flashbacks. Learn more steps you can take on our Flashbacks page.
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Noise or Light Irritation
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Video Title: I believe we're all in this together
Video Title: Counseling for PTSD leads to a work-study program
Video Title: Army Veteran Encourages Others To “Be Vulnerable” in Order To Heal
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If I'm experiencing noise or light irritation, what can I do about it right away?
Learn what triggers episodes of noise or light irritation. Try making adjustments to computer and TV screens, and ensure you get the right amount of sleep. If you're taking medication and want to know if it could be affecting your sensitivity to noise or light, talk to your doctor. Certain drugs or medications may cause vision or hearing problems. Never stop taking a prescription without first consulting a medical professional. Learn more steps you can take on our Noise or Light Irritation page.
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Nightmares
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Video Title: Recovering from flashbacks and nightmares
Video Title: Nightmares | Signs of a Mental Health Challenge
Video Title: The first thing I noticed was nightmares
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If I’m having nightmares, what can I do about it right away?
To manage upsetting feelings after a nightmare, focus on what's real by touching and describing objects around you. If you're unable to sleep within 15 minutes, leave your bed briefly to wash your hands or drink water while avoiding any strenuous activity. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Nightmares page.
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High-Risk Activities
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Alcohol or Drug Misuse
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Video Title: After Challenges With Gambling and Substance Use, Veteran Finds Tools To Recover
Video Title: Anything's Possible
Video Title: “We’re stronger together.” Army Veteran Urges Women Veterans To Get Support
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What can I do about drinking or drug use?
There are many options for Veterans who want to cut down on or stop drinking alcohol or using drugs. One option is counseling, either one-on-one or in a group. Another involves medication to help reduce use. A third option is mutual-help groups. You can work with your doctor or counselor and try different types of treatment to find the one that's best for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Alcohol or Drug Misuse page.
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Gambling
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Video Title: After Challenges With Gambling and Substance Use, Veteran Finds Tools To Recover
Video Title: Brenda found the support she needed to live well
Video Title: Gambling for the adrenaline rush
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If I’m experiencing a gambling problem, what can I do about it right away?
The first step in addressing your challenges is to acknowledge that gambling has become a problem in your life and recognize that it is possible to make a change. Practice relaxation exercises such as deep breathing to manage stress and urges to gamble. Spend time with supportive people who do not gamble, and talk with your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions that are right for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Gambling page.
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Reckless Behavior
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Video Title: I was carrying a heavy load
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What can I do if I’ve noticed myself engaging in reckless behavior?
There are ways to prevent yourself from engaging in risky behavior. Plan to avoid situations that might lead to recklessness. For example, leave early or late to avoid rush-hour traffic, or arrange a ride home if you'll be drinking. Talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Reckless Behavior page.
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Take the next step to connect with care.
New to VA? Apply for health care benefits. Getting started is simple. Create a free account online to help ease your enrollment process. There’s a whole community of support ready to help with whatever you’re going through. Use this tool to find resources near you.
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Show me all videos on Reckless Behavior.
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