Barbara talks about coming to understand both the problems her husband, Jack, was facing and his commitment to fellow Veterans. Through Jack's outreach to Veterans from all service eras, he and Barbara founded a spouse support group. Barbara recognized the partners’ challenges and strengths and describes the great bond they share.
View Video TranscriptBarbara:
My name is Barbara and I am the very proud wife of Jeff. When I first met him I knew that he was a Vietnam Veteran, but I didn't know a lot about him. He was just, I think at that point three years clean and sober and really starting to deal with his experiences from the war.
If it is a Vietnam era Veteran they have been dealing with this for a long-time and the spouse certainly, that spouse might not have any idea what PTSD is or combat stress and why is my husband doing these strange thing like not wanting to go out into crowds, or not enjoying the 4th of July because of the sounds of the fireworks. Not wanting to go to a movie theatre. You know just simple everyday things like that, that you don’t realize can have an impact on combat Veterans.
The ones that haven’t reached out yet are just so shut down, it is really hard and it has been so many years now, it is just very hard for them to kind of rise up and talk about their experience or their feelings. They probably don’t even recognize their feelings. They just don’t know how to make that first step and that is where I think the VA can be so helpful especially with a program like this where it is going to be very easy to make that first step to try to make a connection. It will change their lives and hopefully in a very positive way and make their life easier.
So just reaching out, finding somebody to talk to that has similar experiences just like any other problem in life, if you can talk to somebody that has already gone down the path and can shine a flashlight on that path and say okay well this is how you step here and then step your left foot here and then the right there… it is going to be much easier. I think it can be incredibly helpful to the Veterans, male, female and their spouses, their families too because the families are tremendously impacted.
Jack is such a giving person, he just wants to give and give and give. When the opportunity came for him to go to Naval Medical Center, San Diego, Balboa and start working with the Marines coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan he already had a great perspective on the experience but now he had even stepped it up several more levels. As soon as the younger Marines met him, it was almost love at first sight. They just instantly bonded and it has been just a really great experience for Jack to have them in his life.
Then he and I both joined the Medivac team which means that you go and you meet the Medivac’s when they arrive at Balboa hospital. That is pretty intense and Jack was so great with it because; especially when it was a Marine being Medivac’d in. It was great for them to just see somebody that they felt very comfortable with and at ease with to kind of help guide them through that process.
He started holding little groups with the Marines and he kept coming home and saying they keep asking me what they should be doing with their wives. And I said yeah that is probably a big problem; but from that we started a spouse support group at Balboa. So I just became more and more comfortable when I initially met with the younger wives, they were in their 20s, I am in my 60s. There was, like Jack found with the younger Marines, there is not that much difference between the experiences that we are sharing. We had a great bond.
The spouses that are determined to make it work, especially now when we are dealing with so many double amputees and even triple amputees; the wives are amazing, amazing people and they essentially give up their entire lives just to provide for their husbands and their families. A lot of them have to quit working because they have to be with their husband 24/7. When their husbands are first injured it is just very, very intense. Then they go through a phase where the husband starts to heal and gets more independent and it is like sending your kid to kindergarten, it is like oh he doesn’t need me anymore. There are many, many different stages that they go through. It is a horrific situation that they are in but at the same time the closeness, the love that is shared, there is a lot of positive. The friends that they make they bond with the other wives and they become lifetime friends.
So, there is a lot of beauty in it too. It was hard for me initially but then over after a year or so and I saw the Medivac coming in or I would see a new family arriving with the husband very, very injured; but then I got to see the healing process to where that Marine was back on his feet again and that the family coming together and functioning again, I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that things were probably going to get much better for them and they would be successful.
No matter what you may be experiencing, there is support for getting your life on a better track. Many, many Veterans have found the strength to reach out and make the connection.
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Learn what triggers episodes of noise or light irritation. Try making adjustments to computer and TV screens, and ensure you get the right amount of sleep. If you're taking medication and want to know if it could be affecting your sensitivity to noise or light, talk to your doctor. Certain drugs or medications may cause vision or hearing problems. Never stop taking a prescription without first consulting a medical professional. Learn more steps you can take on our Noise or Light Irritation page.
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Nightmares
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To manage upsetting feelings after a nightmare, focus on what's real by touching and describing objects around you. If you're unable to sleep within 15 minutes, leave your bed briefly to wash your hands or drink water while avoiding any strenuous activity. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Nightmares page.
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There are many options for Veterans who want to cut down on or stop drinking alcohol or using drugs. One option is counseling, either one-on-one or in a group. Another involves medication to help reduce use. A third option is mutual-help groups. You can work with your doctor or counselor and try different types of treatment to find the one that's best for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Alcohol or Drug Misuse page.
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Gambling
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If I’m experiencing a gambling problem, what can I do about it right away?
The first step in addressing your challenges is to acknowledge that gambling has become a problem in your life and recognize that it is possible to make a change. Practice relaxation exercises such as deep breathing to manage stress and urges to gamble. Spend time with supportive people who do not gamble, and talk with your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions that are right for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Gambling page.
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Reckless Behavior
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What can I do if I’ve noticed myself engaging in reckless behavior?
There are ways to prevent yourself from engaging in risky behavior. Plan to avoid situations that might lead to recklessness. For example, leave early or late to avoid rush-hour traffic, or arrange a ride home if you'll be drinking. Talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Reckless Behavior page.
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