Marcy's husband, Mike, served in Iraq. On phone calls during his tour, she could tell something was wrong. He returned with nightmares and road rage. She saw a psychologist to learn ways to support him, and his mother encouraged him to go to VA. Mike's treatment and the support of his family has helped get them all get back on track.
View Video TranscriptMarcy:
My name is Marcy. I'm married to Michael. He was a Marine, and he served in Iraq. He was given 10 days notice before he left, and we were engaged to be married. I think the fact that only 10 days was a little scary, because we were running around trying to get him things that he would need, and you know the fact that was I going to be able to talk to him? How much would I be able to talk to him? Was I going to have any kind of email contact or anything? You know, there's a lot of uncertainty. We didn't really know, and I kept telling him, “Whatever happens there, you need to you know do whatever you need to do to come back alive, and you know tell me everything. Don't keep anything a secret from me. I want to know everything.” And it didn't really happen that way. He kept a lot from me.
After six months, I could tell something was...by his voice. I could hear it in his voice. He’s a very good speaker. He’s very fluent, and I could hear in the way he spoke to me, and his tone, that he was...I could tell he was very stressed out. And so, I really kind of probed him to find out what was going on, and that’s when he started telling me about things. Then, I said to him, “Well, you know, if you want to get married to me, then you have to go get help before I’ll marry you in front of our family and friends.”
I was working fulltime, going to school for my masters, and you know I had family and friends, but they didn’t really get it. They didn’t really have anyone who had been in the military or understand, and I went to get help myself. I went to a psychologist, because I thought I’m way in over my head. I have no idea how to handle any of these things he’s telling me about.
Really barbaric things were happening that I...I was like how I’m supposed to help him? I have no idea how to help this person coming back. So, I saw someone, who actually had a husband, who had been in Vietnam, so she had some experience with living with someone and being married to someone, who had combat experience.
Well, he’s different. He had like a very blank look, or it was either blank look or a sad look in his eyes. It was just like the light had been taken out of his eyes. That’s one of the first things I noticed. Then, I noticed anger, road rage. Driving with him was very different. He was very jumpy. Any loud noises, he would duck. He had nightmares, would wake up, you know just spring up from sleeping, a dead sleep. Divorce was thrown around. I basically said, “I can’t live the rest of my life like this. Something has to change, or I’m going to have to divorce you. You know, I just can’t do it.” He pretty quickly, within the first month of him being back, he did see the person I was seeing. She spent two hours with him the first time she was with him, and then she said to me when I saw her again, “We have a lot of work ahead of us.”
His mother had someone living across the street from her, who used the VA and spoke highly of it, and he kept saying to my husband’s mother, you know, “You need to get him to the VA, get him to the VA.” And so, he did, and he still goes to the VA, has appointments. So, he’s doing better. It’s a long process. It’s a long road. I think, he realizes he’ll always need to work on himself and have someone to talk to. There’s definitely a change, and there’s times where he regresses, but then it gets better again.
Marriage is work even in the best of circumstances. You know, you have to work on it. You have to talk to each other. You have to communicate. You have to make time for each other, and it’s going to be rough at times, but you know it’s not easy to dig in and talk about all these things, and you know especially for the Veteran. I mean, they have all these stories and terrible things they’ve seen that’s difficult to deal with. If you get help, it’s okay. It’s a good thing to get help, and it will improve your quality of your life, you know. It’ll make everything so much better.
No matter what you may be experiencing, there is support for getting your life on a better track. Many, many Veterans have found the strength to reach out and make the connection.
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If you are experiencing dizziness, lie down for a few minutes with your head slightly elevated. Lifestyle changes such as drinking more water, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol or drugs can help. Medications and medical conditions such as heart disease or ear issues can also cause dizziness; consult a medical provider if you get dizzy on a regular basis. If you suddenly lose function in part of your body (e.g., arm weakness, face drooping, difficulty speaking) along with experiencing vertigo, this can indicate a serious problem, such as a stroke. Call 911 and seek medical help immediately. Learn more steps you can take on our Dizziness page.
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A flashback can be distressing for you and those around you. Try grounding yourself by focusing on details of your surroundings or neutral physical sensations, such as the feeling of your feet on the floor. Call someone you trust and tell them what is happening. Your family, friends, or health care provider may be able to provide support and help you deal with your flashbacks. Learn more steps you can take on our Flashbacks page.
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Learn what triggers episodes of noise or light irritation. Try making adjustments to computer and TV screens, and ensure you get the right amount of sleep. If you're taking medication and want to know if it could be affecting your sensitivity to noise or light, talk to your doctor. Certain drugs or medications may cause vision or hearing problems. Never stop taking a prescription without first consulting a medical professional. Learn more steps you can take on our Noise or Light Irritation page.
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Nightmares
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To manage upsetting feelings after a nightmare, focus on what's real by touching and describing objects around you. If you're unable to sleep within 15 minutes, leave your bed briefly to wash your hands or drink water while avoiding any strenuous activity. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Nightmares page.
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There are many options for Veterans who want to cut down on or stop drinking alcohol or using drugs. One option is counseling, either one-on-one or in a group. Another involves medication to help reduce use. A third option is mutual-help groups. You can work with your doctor or counselor and try different types of treatment to find the one that's best for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Alcohol or Drug Misuse page.
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Gambling
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If I’m experiencing a gambling problem, what can I do about it right away?
The first step in addressing your challenges is to acknowledge that gambling has become a problem in your life and recognize that it is possible to make a change. Practice relaxation exercises such as deep breathing to manage stress and urges to gamble. Spend time with supportive people who do not gamble, and talk with your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions that are right for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Gambling page.
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Reckless Behavior
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What can I do if I’ve noticed myself engaging in reckless behavior?
There are ways to prevent yourself from engaging in risky behavior. Plan to avoid situations that might lead to recklessness. For example, leave early or late to avoid rush-hour traffic, or arrange a ride home if you'll be drinking. Talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Reckless Behavior page.
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