Yolany’s spouse, Frank, served in the Marines. While Frank was deployed, their family was supportive, but Yolany still had a tough time. Frank returned home and seemed lost, and the couple experienced financial stress. When Frank went to therapy, he and Yolany found ways to improve their relationship and get their lives on track.
View Video TranscriptMy name is Yolany and my husband was in the United States Marine Corps. He deployed five times. Out of five times I was part of his life four. When I went through it the first one, as any human being, especially wife, he's leaving and my whole world came to and. I had just found out I was pregnant with my daughter and so instead of me enjoying my nine months of pregnancy I was getting ready for him to leave. I didn't know what to do, what to expect, but when he did leave it was horrible.
The first 20-30 days it was like I was lonely. I was afraid. I didn't know what to do. My sisters, they were very supportive all of them. His family were calling every day, his mom, his sister but it wasn't the same. He literally came and ten minutes later were married and the day after my daughter's birthday was.
So, it was like one, two, three, four. After that, I told myself I've got to be strong. I got myself into this. I put on my big girl hat and I said, "I married him and I knew what I was getting myself into." So, instead of making it miserable for him because I knew he had a mission, I know his focus was in this mission, to stay alive, bring his troop back, follow his orders, and focus. So, I told myself I'm not going to be another discouragement, another distraction for him. Instead, I wrote him letters every day. I never mailed them, but I wrote them every day. When he came back I told him and he said, "oh, great, we're going to miss another six months." I said, "no we're not, we're not. I'm going to write a letter every day of what happened." And that to me, that kept us stronger.
When he got out of the service, back in September 27, 2011, he was lost. He felt lonely. He felt like he didn't have support. So, I of course as his wife, I said, "I can help you — talk to me." But, I didn't understand him. He says, "Yolany, you don’t understand what I'm going through. You're my wife. He understand a lot of things, but you don’t understand what I'm going through, how I feel, the pressure that I'm in knowing now that I have family and I have no job, no career, no experiences." And, that's when the problems started.
He had no patience. He was frustrated. We started having problems with money. We started having problems with health insurance. I thought of the worst of him not knowing that inside of him he was fighting his own battle.
So, what happened was, last year in February around Valentine's Day things did a 360 degree turn. We were able to get unemployment, both of us. We were able to get the help that he needed. Therapy has helped him so much. He's looked at so many options. He's done so much. He went to school. He gets his AA in a few weeks. We opened a business. He volunteers as a basketball coach. I volunteer as a ballet assistant. We do event planning. We do so many things for the community and we got involved.
Now, I'm not saying we're rich, but we're happy and we're not happy because we have money. We're not happy because we're in a great place in our life in our time with our kids. We're happy because we understand each other. You have to help yourself before you help others, and when you help yourself, you are helping others.
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If you find yourself living with guilt or remorse about a past action or inaction, try to set aside time to think about your feelings. Remember that everyone has things they would have done differently—but no one can change the past or predict the future. Sometimes the experience is worse if you keep your feelings to yourself. Telling someone, like a family member or friend, about your regrets or guilty feelings can be a good first step to overcoming them. Learn more steps you can take on our Guilt page.
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There are several ways to improve your sleep right away: (1) Make your bedroom a place just for sleeping—not for activities like watching TV, reading, working, or listening to the radio. (2) Avoid light exposure from screens at night, which can throw off your sleep cycle. (3) Avoid alcohol and large meals near bedtime. (4) Maintain a regular sleep schedule. In addition, talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Trouble Sleeping page.
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If you are experiencing confusion, try to slow down and focus on the task at hand. Take regular breaks to avoid feeling tired and overwhelmed. Avoid drinking alcohol, which can make confusion worse. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a medical condition such as TBI might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Confusion page.
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If you are experiencing difficulty concentrating, avoid distractions like loud music or the television. Develop a routine and try to stick to a regular schedule. Additionally, take regular breaks to prevent feeling tired. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a condition such as TBI, ADHD, or anxiety might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Difficulty Concentrating page.
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If you are experiencing dizziness, lie down for a few minutes with your head slightly elevated. Lifestyle changes such as drinking more water, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol or drugs can help. Medications and medical conditions such as heart disease or ear issues can also cause dizziness; consult a medical provider if you get dizzy on a regular basis. If you suddenly lose function in part of your body (e.g., arm weakness, face drooping, difficulty speaking) along with experiencing vertigo, this can indicate a serious problem, such as a stroke. Call 911 and seek medical help immediately. Learn more steps you can take on our Dizziness page.
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A flashback can be distressing for you and those around you. Try grounding yourself by focusing on details of your surroundings or neutral physical sensations, such as the feeling of your feet on the floor. Call someone you trust and tell them what is happening. Your family, friends, or health care provider may be able to provide support and help you deal with your flashbacks. Learn more steps you can take on our Flashbacks page.
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Learn what triggers episodes of noise or light irritation. Try making adjustments to computer and TV screens, and ensure you get the right amount of sleep. If you're taking medication and want to know if it could be affecting your sensitivity to noise or light, talk to your doctor. Certain drugs or medications may cause vision or hearing problems. Never stop taking a prescription without first consulting a medical professional. Learn more steps you can take on our Noise or Light Irritation page.
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Nightmares
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To manage upsetting feelings after a nightmare, focus on what's real by touching and describing objects around you. If you're unable to sleep within 15 minutes, leave your bed briefly to wash your hands or drink water while avoiding any strenuous activity. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Nightmares page.
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There are many options for Veterans who want to cut down on or stop drinking alcohol or using drugs. One option is counseling, either one-on-one or in a group. Another involves medication to help reduce use. A third option is mutual-help groups. You can work with your doctor or counselor and try different types of treatment to find the one that's best for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Alcohol or Drug Misuse page.
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Gambling
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If I’m experiencing a gambling problem, what can I do about it right away?
The first step in addressing your challenges is to acknowledge that gambling has become a problem in your life and recognize that it is possible to make a change. Practice relaxation exercises such as deep breathing to manage stress and urges to gamble. Spend time with supportive people who do not gamble, and talk with your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions that are right for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Gambling page.
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Reckless Behavior
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What can I do if I’ve noticed myself engaging in reckless behavior?
There are ways to prevent yourself from engaging in risky behavior. Plan to avoid situations that might lead to recklessness. For example, leave early or late to avoid rush-hour traffic, or arrange a ride home if you'll be drinking. Talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Reckless Behavior page.
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