Learning to find peace in uncertainty
First Last:
I felt worthless. I mean, I really felt useless. I was sitting there going to law school classes and when I asked myself the question at the end of the day, “Why was I doing that?” I couldn't answer the question and that was depressing. I just, more so, felt like it's this blinding fear that life is passing you by now and you're not where you need to be and you don't know how you need to get to the place you want to be; to where you're happy again and you're feeling fulfilled. I think the worst part about that too and, I mean, I discuss this at length is, I'm not sure if you ever really can get back there. I mean, you go through these things overseas and you develop that comradery and family with certain folks and then once you leave that, you're kind of on your own.
Even if you got great family, which I do, great girlfriend, great friends you’re still always going to feel alone about that stuff because there’s nobody else on the planet who’s going to understand that like the guys that you were there with; there just isn’t. Not even other Marines. You have to be in that unit, on that tour, that’s how it works. So, even my brother is a Marine. Ten years older than me but, like I mentioned before, went over to Afghanistan and I’m sure he’s got his own issues that he deals with and I can’t really be a shoulder for him anymore, in a way, than any other person outside of his unit could because that’s just the way it is.
So, that was difficult and I think probably the number one take-away that I got from my counselling was just, and I was told this several times, you got to manage your expectations for what you want other people to do or say or think because they’ve got their lives; that’s what they know. And expecting them to act beyond that is not necessarily a bad thing and you can try to influence it but it’s not all that realistic. That was a sobering moment for me but really it did, kind of, bring me to pieces with a lot of stuff.
