Dawn, an Army Reserve Veteran, was looking forward to her boyfriend returning home after his third combat tour. But heated arguments quickly ensued and then became routine. Through individual therapy and marriage counseling, Dawn learned how to be supportive of her boyfriend — and to care for herself. They are now happily married.
View Video TranscriptDawn:
My name is Dawn. I serve in the Army Reserves. I joined in 2006. I went to MI and then reclass, and then went to Afghanistan in 2011. I actually did both my jobs over there which was kind of unique.
My husband, boyfriend at the time, had gotten into a very serious fight, so he had TBI, he was unconscious for like 18 days and then he came home after like seven months in the hospitals. So, he was home and then I was the only one there working with him. He didn’t really have a lot of other people to support him. He was recovering and he obviously had a lot of things going through his mind. He has done three combat tours. The first one was pretty reasonable, but he lost his father just before the first one, lost a bunch of friends the second one, lost one friend the third one and the brain injury itself, all very traumatic.
So here I am, girlfriend of six months, and I love the guy to death, we knew we were going to be together so it wasn’t like I was like, “oh my goodness, now I have to do this.” It wasn’t anything like that, but my dad was a Marine growing up so I was raised as a Marine daughter, raised to be a tough kid. So I generally was like, “oh I can do anything, I can deal with all of this,” and then it just got to the point where we were having fights, we were getting situations were very intense and I was like, “well maybe I can’t deal with this. Maybe I need some help.” So that’s when I went to start talking to someone.
We pretty much just talked for the most part. She didn’t really give me any assignments or anything like that, but in the course of conversation, she’d say things like, “maybe he’s just looking for your support” and then I’d be like, “oh, maybe he just needs my support.” You know, just really kind of ring bells as to things you take for granted. Like, I need to support him, he’s depressed obviously so it doesn’t do my any good to beat up on him. It helped me take a step back. At times, I was like, “oh well, I need to push him. He’s not getting out of the house, so I need to get him out of the house,” and then she’s like, “yeah, you’re not going to do that, he has to do that for himself.”
It changed the way that I looked at it, took some of the burden off me even sometimes I thought I had to do all this stuff. Well no, I don’t. And then things got a lot better. You know, our very intense moments went from once every two days to once every two weeks and then even less.
It’s not just the Veteran that suffers by any stretch of the imagination. I was pretty fortunate in that I understand where he’s coming from with a lot of it because of my background. I can’t imagine someone who has not been in the military. They probably have no idea. They see their husband who used to be so nice, and now he’s angry and they’re like, “what did I do? Why am I terrible?” It’s not you. You never know what’s out there unless you try it, and there’s several different ways.
There’s several different avenues. Maybe go to the VA, but first they have to want to get past it. I think some of these guys want to be angry. They feel like it’s their punishment or whatever and it’s just a matter of knowing you don’t have to be angry. You don’t have to be mad all the time and tired all the time. It never hurts to have help. Never hurts to talk to someone or have someone on your side. You’re not alone. You’re not the only one that’s went through it.
No matter what you may be experiencing, there is support for getting your life on a better track. Many, many Veterans have found the strength to reach out and make the connection.
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If you find yourself living with guilt or remorse about a past action or inaction, try to set aside time to think about your feelings. Remember that everyone has things they would have done differently—but no one can change the past or predict the future. Sometimes the experience is worse if you keep your feelings to yourself. Telling someone, like a family member or friend, about your regrets or guilty feelings can be a good first step to overcoming them. Learn more steps you can take on our Guilt page.
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If you are experiencing loss of interest or pleasure, try to plan a pleasurable activity daily, even if it's something small. Physical activity can improve your mood and help you sleep better. Talking to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're feeling can also be helpful. They may be able to provide support and help you discover what is causing you to lose interest in things you once enjoyed. Learn more steps you can take on our Loss of Interest or Pleasure page.
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Allowing social withdrawal or social isolation to continue unchecked will only make your situation more challenging. Consider reaching out to your family members, friends, or health care provider, even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing. Connect with Veterans' groups or participate in clubs or hobbies focused on something you like. Research shows that spending time talking with others improves your mood and has a positive effect on health. Learn more steps you can take on our Social Withdrawal and Isolation page.
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If you are experiencing headaches, try to rest with your eyes closed and head supported. Getting enough sleep, eating regularly without skipping meals, staying hydrated, and maintaining good posture are simple lifestyle changes that can help you avoid or reduce headaches. Talk to your doctor if you experience frequent or recurring headaches, which can be a sign of a medical issue. Learn more steps you can take on our Headaches page.
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There are several ways to improve your sleep right away: (1) Make your bedroom a place just for sleeping—not for activities like watching TV, reading, working, or listening to the radio. (2) Avoid light exposure from screens at night, which can throw off your sleep cycle. (3) Avoid alcohol and large meals near bedtime. (4) Maintain a regular sleep schedule. In addition, talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Trouble Sleeping page.
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If you are experiencing confusion, try to slow down and focus on the task at hand. Take regular breaks to avoid feeling tired and overwhelmed. Avoid drinking alcohol, which can make confusion worse. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a medical condition such as TBI might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Confusion page.
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If you are experiencing dizziness, lie down for a few minutes with your head slightly elevated. Lifestyle changes such as drinking more water, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol or drugs can help. Medications and medical conditions such as heart disease or ear issues can also cause dizziness; consult a medical provider if you get dizzy on a regular basis. If you suddenly lose function in part of your body (e.g., arm weakness, face drooping, difficulty speaking) along with experiencing vertigo, this can indicate a serious problem, such as a stroke. Call 911 and seek medical help immediately. Learn more steps you can take on our Dizziness page.
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A flashback can be distressing for you and those around you. Try grounding yourself by focusing on details of your surroundings or neutral physical sensations, such as the feeling of your feet on the floor. Call someone you trust and tell them what is happening. Your family, friends, or health care provider may be able to provide support and help you deal with your flashbacks. Learn more steps you can take on our Flashbacks page.
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Learn what triggers episodes of noise or light irritation. Try making adjustments to computer and TV screens, and ensure you get the right amount of sleep. If you're taking medication and want to know if it could be affecting your sensitivity to noise or light, talk to your doctor. Certain drugs or medications may cause vision or hearing problems. Never stop taking a prescription without first consulting a medical professional. Learn more steps you can take on our Noise or Light Irritation page.
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Nightmares
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To manage upsetting feelings after a nightmare, focus on what's real by touching and describing objects around you. If you're unable to sleep within 15 minutes, leave your bed briefly to wash your hands or drink water while avoiding any strenuous activity. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Nightmares page.
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What can I do about drinking or drug use?
There are many options for Veterans who want to cut down on or stop drinking alcohol or using drugs. One option is counseling, either one-on-one or in a group. Another involves medication to help reduce use. A third option is mutual-help groups. You can work with your doctor or counselor and try different types of treatment to find the one that's best for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Alcohol or Drug Misuse page.
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Gambling
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If I’m experiencing a gambling problem, what can I do about it right away?
The first step in addressing your challenges is to acknowledge that gambling has become a problem in your life and recognize that it is possible to make a change. Practice relaxation exercises such as deep breathing to manage stress and urges to gamble. Spend time with supportive people who do not gamble, and talk with your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions that are right for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Gambling page.
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Reckless Behavior
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What can I do if I’ve noticed myself engaging in reckless behavior?
There are ways to prevent yourself from engaging in risky behavior. Plan to avoid situations that might lead to recklessness. For example, leave early or late to avoid rush-hour traffic, or arrange a ride home if you'll be drinking. Talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Reckless Behavior page.
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