Robert was a young medic whose experiences witnessing death and treating severe combat wounds made him face the hard truth that he couldn’t save everyone. The guilt and stress of his experiences led him to drugs and attempts to end his own life. Hear this powerful story of a man finding the strength and resolve to get help and get back on track.
View Video TranscriptRobert McKinley Gilmore Sr.:
My name is Robert McKinley Gilmore Sr. I served in the United States Air Force from 1971 to 1975. They ended up giving me Clark Air Force Base in the Philippine Islands. And I was in the medevac squadron there. It was the greatest culture shock in my life. People were in Military mode everywhere and that's when I really said “Well, what's going on? I thought this was, you know, everything was going to be peaceful.” They said “Well, they still fighting.” I said, “Fighting where?” “In Thailand and Cambodia.” So, the war was still raging, and American troops were still involved. I became a medic in the Airvac squadron. Green C-141 planes which were full of, it was like a flying hospital and my job, our job was to take those wounded patients out and stabilize their condition prior to them being able to be shipped state-side, and some of them couldn't be stabilized because their injuries were to far gone. And at 19 years old that's the first time I ever saw somebody die.
When you’re going to tech school in the service, you’re practicing on dummies all the time, plastic dummies. You show them how to do sunken chest hole wounds, CPR, whatever, and you go through the manuals and it’s all in a book. But when you deal with a live person, a person who is breathing, who’s limbs have been blown off, 95 percent of their body has been burned from jet fuel and the person is in pain, and that’s when it made me realized that war can kill you or you can be forever changed. And that made me realize as a medic that I couldn’t save people, which is what we had been trained for. All I could do was help stabilize them.
It affected me mentally. I started using drugs, I started shooting heroine. I had previously been involved, but not to that degree. I wanted to act like I was strong enough to understand that some of these young men would die. I couldn’t look into their faces. Some people would even ask me to kill them, you know, because their limbs had been blown off or, you know, they would never be the same. And I was seeing these corpsmen every other day they were dying. It was almost a way for me to keep it out of my mind. That was the only way I could serve, that was the only way I could do what I could do. But every evening before I could even leave the base, I would be shooting up when I got in the door just to try to hide the pain. And I felt like I would die over there, I wouldn’t come back and I had seen so many other soldiers die.
There’s a whole world that affects soldiers when they’re overseas. That really goes unchecked. Whether you are drinking, or whether you are using drugs. You know, I mean everybody was doing something, you know. So, I decided I failed myself, I failed my country, I had failed my father. You know, I was a disgrace. And so, I decided instead of going out one evening with my fellow friends, I was going to stay home and kill myself. But before I did, I called my mother. I called my mother to tell my mother that I loved her, and I wanted to hear her voice say, “I love you.” But she never said it, she just said “What’s wrong?” Then that’s when I told her “Nothing’s wrong, you don’t understand” and she dropped the phone and ran and you know, told my grandmothers who prayed a lot, you know, and I could hear her saying “Robert’s in trouble.” And I knew I wouldn’t make it back, you know, and that’s when I tried to kill myself. And that’s when, the last time it seemed like I was in a dream. I was sitting there on the side of the hospital bead contemplating how I would kill myself again and the words of a Sunday school teacher came to me from Sunday school class, you know, and said “If you ever get in trouble, you can always call Jesus.” That’s what the words, they’re like that, you know. And I’m thinking I’m hallucinating or something, you know. But sure, enough that’s what I did, you know, had a talk. And that’s when I started back, and I came back and they put me in the special treatment program.
They told me I had one chance to fail, one chance to test positive. And I feel like the military gave me another chance, and because they gave me another chance, I feel like my grandmother’s prayers and my mother’s love had given me, I was not going to fail.
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If you find yourself living with guilt or remorse about a past action or inaction, try to set aside time to think about your feelings. Remember that everyone has things they would have done differently—but no one can change the past or predict the future. Sometimes the experience is worse if you keep your feelings to yourself. Telling someone, like a family member or friend, about your regrets or guilty feelings can be a good first step to overcoming them. Learn more steps you can take on our Guilt page.
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If you are experiencing loss of interest or pleasure, try to plan a pleasurable activity daily, even if it's something small. Physical activity can improve your mood and help you sleep better. Talking to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're feeling can also be helpful. They may be able to provide support and help you discover what is causing you to lose interest in things you once enjoyed. Learn more steps you can take on our Loss of Interest or Pleasure page.
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Allowing social withdrawal or social isolation to continue unchecked will only make your situation more challenging. Consider reaching out to your family members, friends, or health care provider, even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing. Connect with Veterans' groups or participate in clubs or hobbies focused on something you like. Research shows that spending time talking with others improves your mood and has a positive effect on health. Learn more steps you can take on our Social Withdrawal and Isolation page.
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If you are experiencing headaches, try to rest with your eyes closed and head supported. Getting enough sleep, eating regularly without skipping meals, staying hydrated, and maintaining good posture are simple lifestyle changes that can help you avoid or reduce headaches. Talk to your doctor if you experience frequent or recurring headaches, which can be a sign of a medical issue. Learn more steps you can take on our Headaches page.
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There are several ways to improve your sleep right away: (1) Make your bedroom a place just for sleeping—not for activities like watching TV, reading, working, or listening to the radio. (2) Avoid light exposure from screens at night, which can throw off your sleep cycle. (3) Avoid alcohol and large meals near bedtime. (4) Maintain a regular sleep schedule. In addition, talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Trouble Sleeping page.
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If you are experiencing confusion, try to slow down and focus on the task at hand. Take regular breaks to avoid feeling tired and overwhelmed. Avoid drinking alcohol, which can make confusion worse. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a medical condition such as TBI might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Confusion page.
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If you are experiencing difficulty concentrating, avoid distractions like loud music or the television. Develop a routine and try to stick to a regular schedule. Additionally, take regular breaks to prevent feeling tired. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a condition such as TBI, ADHD, or anxiety might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Difficulty Concentrating page.
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If you are experiencing dizziness, lie down for a few minutes with your head slightly elevated. Lifestyle changes such as drinking more water, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol or drugs can help. Medications and medical conditions such as heart disease or ear issues can also cause dizziness; consult a medical provider if you get dizzy on a regular basis. If you suddenly lose function in part of your body (e.g., arm weakness, face drooping, difficulty speaking) along with experiencing vertigo, this can indicate a serious problem, such as a stroke. Call 911 and seek medical help immediately. Learn more steps you can take on our Dizziness page.
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Flashbacks
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A flashback can be distressing for you and those around you. Try grounding yourself by focusing on details of your surroundings or neutral physical sensations, such as the feeling of your feet on the floor. Call someone you trust and tell them what is happening. Your family, friends, or health care provider may be able to provide support and help you deal with your flashbacks. Learn more steps you can take on our Flashbacks page.
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Noise or Light Irritation
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If I'm experiencing noise or light irritation, what can I do about it right away?
Learn what triggers episodes of noise or light irritation. Try making adjustments to computer and TV screens, and ensure you get the right amount of sleep. If you're taking medication and want to know if it could be affecting your sensitivity to noise or light, talk to your doctor. Certain drugs or medications may cause vision or hearing problems. Never stop taking a prescription without first consulting a medical professional. Learn more steps you can take on our Noise or Light Irritation page.
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Nightmares
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If I’m having nightmares, what can I do about it right away?
To manage upsetting feelings after a nightmare, focus on what's real by touching and describing objects around you. If you're unable to sleep within 15 minutes, leave your bed briefly to wash your hands or drink water while avoiding any strenuous activity. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Nightmares page.
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High-Risk Activities
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What can I do about drinking or drug use?
There are many options for Veterans who want to cut down on or stop drinking alcohol or using drugs. One option is counseling, either one-on-one or in a group. Another involves medication to help reduce use. A third option is mutual-help groups. You can work with your doctor or counselor and try different types of treatment to find the one that's best for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Alcohol or Drug Misuse page.
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Gambling
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Video Title: Brenda found the support she needed to live well
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If I’m experiencing a gambling problem, what can I do about it right away?
The first step in addressing your challenges is to acknowledge that gambling has become a problem in your life and recognize that it is possible to make a change. Practice relaxation exercises such as deep breathing to manage stress and urges to gamble. Spend time with supportive people who do not gamble, and talk with your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions that are right for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Gambling page.
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Reckless Behavior
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Video Title: “Each day was a new opportunity.” Veteran Reflects on Sobriety Journey
Video Title: I was carrying a heavy load
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What can I do if I’ve noticed myself engaging in reckless behavior?
There are ways to prevent yourself from engaging in risky behavior. Plan to avoid situations that might lead to recklessness. For example, leave early or late to avoid rush-hour traffic, or arrange a ride home if you'll be drinking. Talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Reckless Behavior page.
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