“As soon as I saw him, I knew I was going to marry him.” Kelley and Peter’s love story began instantly after meeting overseas in the U.S. Air Force. After their service, they both experienced lingering physical health issues that affected their mental health. Hear how this military couple supported each other and learned that the best way to move forward together was with a little bit of outside help.
View Video TranscriptBetter Together
Peter: My roommate walked in, and he added some of his friends, the new troops that came, and one of them happened to be my future wife.
Kelley: I looked at him, he looked at me, and it was instant. And as soon as I saw him, I knew I was going to marry him.
Peter: Next month it will be 23 years later. You know, I was suffering. I was in pain, and she was suffering in pain.
Kelley: They told me I had fibroids, they're hard, fibrous mass, and they were in my uterus. And that's what was giving me all the pain and making me so miserable. There was only room for one sick person in my house, and that was Peter.
Peter: I was injured just doing my normal function of security forces. You know, I had some autoimmune issues. I developed problems where I was just falling all the time. Like I'd be walking, and next thing you know, I'd fall to the ground. It was a horrible time to not have a purpose.
Kelley: In my mind, he was a lot worse than me. And then, I could just help myself once I got him in a better situation.
Peter: You got two depressed veterans in a household, and we became just roommates.
Kelley: I was emotionally unavailable. He was going through a bunch of chronic pain. So was I, but I was masking it with going to work every day, and drinking, and my pills. I thought I had everything figured out. Really when I got sober, it sent Peter into a place of healing as well.
Peter: She went down to the psych unit. Because my wife was stigma-free about it, going to address her mental health challenges, she gave me the encouragement that I went in there right after her and I started getting some solutions in that actual psych unit.
Kelley: It allowed me to get a little bit of clarity that I wasn't a bad person. I was putting things in my body that didn't allow me to do the things that I normally would do. So, then I was able to help take care of him, and everything completely changed.
Peter: The VA made my wife, my caretaker. They gave her the training to how to be able to be of service to me so I can deal with these incapacitating disabilities that I have.
Kelley: The caregiver program allowed me to have flexibility so that I could be there for Peter without having to worry about taking a hit on our income. The VA played a very important part in that, especially when we went to the War Related Illness Clinic.
Peter: They recommended a recumbent trike. It's a three will bicycle. Recumbent trikes have electric assist on them so even if you can't physically pedal, you can pedal by itself. It allows me to get outdoors.
Kelley: And he would just be so happy on that bike. And his legs were getting stronger. He went from a three-prong cane to a one prong cane. It was exciting. So, we just said, you know, every veteran should have access to it.
Peter: Through our nonprofit, now we can feel like we're serving together again. The VA was able to help us both stop suffering so much, and that gave us a spark in our relationship.
Kelley: I didn't even get my husband back, I got something better, because he's a completely different person than I ever even thought I married.
Peter: It's overwhelming just to know that I'm going to be married 23 years next month.
Kelley: It's like being in love all over again.
No matter what you may be experiencing, there is support for getting your life on a better track. Many, many Veterans have found the strength to reach out and make the connection.
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If you find yourself living with guilt or remorse about a past action or inaction, try to set aside time to think about your feelings. Remember that everyone has things they would have done differently—but no one can change the past or predict the future. Sometimes the experience is worse if you keep your feelings to yourself. Telling someone, like a family member or friend, about your regrets or guilty feelings can be a good first step to overcoming them. Learn more steps you can take on our Guilt page.
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If you are experiencing loss of interest or pleasure, try to plan a pleasurable activity daily, even if it's something small. Physical activity can improve your mood and help you sleep better. Talking to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're feeling can also be helpful. They may be able to provide support and help you discover what is causing you to lose interest in things you once enjoyed. Learn more steps you can take on our Loss of Interest or Pleasure page.
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Allowing social withdrawal or social isolation to continue unchecked will only make your situation more challenging. Consider reaching out to your family members, friends, or health care provider, even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing. Connect with Veterans' groups or participate in clubs or hobbies focused on something you like. Research shows that spending time talking with others improves your mood and has a positive effect on health. Learn more steps you can take on our Social Withdrawal and Isolation page.
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There are several ways to improve your sleep right away: (1) Make your bedroom a place just for sleeping—not for activities like watching TV, reading, working, or listening to the radio. (2) Avoid light exposure from screens at night, which can throw off your sleep cycle. (3) Avoid alcohol and large meals near bedtime. (4) Maintain a regular sleep schedule. In addition, talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Trouble Sleeping page.
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If you are experiencing confusion, try to slow down and focus on the task at hand. Take regular breaks to avoid feeling tired and overwhelmed. Avoid drinking alcohol, which can make confusion worse. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a medical condition such as TBI might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Confusion page.
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If you are experiencing difficulty concentrating, avoid distractions like loud music or the television. Develop a routine and try to stick to a regular schedule. Additionally, take regular breaks to prevent feeling tired. Talk to your health care provider to determine whether a condition such as TBI, ADHD, or anxiety might be contributing to the problem. You can also talk to a pharmacist about the possible effects of medications you're taking. Learn more steps you can take on our Difficulty Concentrating page.
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If you are experiencing dizziness, lie down for a few minutes with your head slightly elevated. Lifestyle changes such as drinking more water, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol or drugs can help. Medications and medical conditions such as heart disease or ear issues can also cause dizziness; consult a medical provider if you get dizzy on a regular basis. If you suddenly lose function in part of your body (e.g., arm weakness, face drooping, difficulty speaking) along with experiencing vertigo, this can indicate a serious problem, such as a stroke. Call 911 and seek medical help immediately. Learn more steps you can take on our Dizziness page.
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A flashback can be distressing for you and those around you. Try grounding yourself by focusing on details of your surroundings or neutral physical sensations, such as the feeling of your feet on the floor. Call someone you trust and tell them what is happening. Your family, friends, or health care provider may be able to provide support and help you deal with your flashbacks. Learn more steps you can take on our Flashbacks page.
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Noise or Light Irritation
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Learn what triggers episodes of noise or light irritation. Try making adjustments to computer and TV screens, and ensure you get the right amount of sleep. If you're taking medication and want to know if it could be affecting your sensitivity to noise or light, talk to your doctor. Certain drugs or medications may cause vision or hearing problems. Never stop taking a prescription without first consulting a medical professional. Learn more steps you can take on our Noise or Light Irritation page.
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Nightmares
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To manage upsetting feelings after a nightmare, focus on what's real by touching and describing objects around you. If you're unable to sleep within 15 minutes, leave your bed briefly to wash your hands or drink water while avoiding any strenuous activity. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Nightmares page.
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High-Risk Activities
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What can I do about drinking or drug use?
There are many options for Veterans who want to cut down on or stop drinking alcohol or using drugs. One option is counseling, either one-on-one or in a group. Another involves medication to help reduce use. A third option is mutual-help groups. You can work with your doctor or counselor and try different types of treatment to find the one that's best for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Alcohol or Drug Misuse page.
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Gambling
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If I’m experiencing a gambling problem, what can I do about it right away?
The first step in addressing your challenges is to acknowledge that gambling has become a problem in your life and recognize that it is possible to make a change. Practice relaxation exercises such as deep breathing to manage stress and urges to gamble. Spend time with supportive people who do not gamble, and talk with your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions that are right for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Gambling page.
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Reckless Behavior
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What can I do if I’ve noticed myself engaging in reckless behavior?
There are ways to prevent yourself from engaging in risky behavior. Plan to avoid situations that might lead to recklessness. For example, leave early or late to avoid rush-hour traffic, or arrange a ride home if you'll be drinking. Talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Reckless Behavior page.
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