“I like who I am now.” Marine Veteran Rediscovers Her Worth Through Therapy
So, I was on 20th and 5th Avenue. I was close enough to see it but not close enough to be hurt. The first plane was just so loud, and we saw everything, as it unfolded, cell phones stopped working, our boots were burned from the bottom. The majority of our Marines were first responders. I was allowed to go back to Ground Zero a couple of days later with the chaplain, so that was 9/11.
Hi, my name is Shifali. I served in the Marine Corps from September 9th, 1997, till June 2005. MOS was 3051, supply warehouse clerk, and I was also a translator/interpreter in 2003 for the invasion of Iraq. In 2003, we were very angry, of course, with 9/11. My unit was in Brooklyn, and we deployed. I got there on the 16th of February 2003, the war started early March. Everything was still hostile, everybody was just waiting. Who's gonna do the first thing? So it was an experience.
When I came back from deployment, I was tough to be around. My family would tell me that I was very, very hypervigilant like anything could set me off. So, I wasn't the same person, and I accepted that. But now it was clear that I was different, and I didn't wanna be difficult to be around, and I needed to understand what was going on. And then I got into a relationship that was really bad for me. Being in that domestic violence relationship was like, if I didn't kill myself, he was gonna kill me. I talked to some of the Marines that I deployed with, and they were having the same issues. Not only were we having the same physical symptoms, but we were having the same experiences in our daily lives. They told me about going to the vet center, and I had my first session, it was a female therapist, and I told her some of my experiences, and I kept going, I liked the way she made me feel, the way I could without judgment say anything and not look stupid. She threw out MST, and then she explained it to me, and I was like, wow. And I'm not gonna lie, there was a lot of suicidal ideation going on at that point, and I needed help. That's when I was like, that's it, I gotta do something. And I went to the Focus Marines program. When I tell you they saved my life, I was so low. The realization that I am worth just as much as the person next to me. Nobody's worth more than you. You have to put into practice what they teach you. There's a difference between being in therapy and being present in therapy. You have to use what skills they give you; you have to put them in practice.
Grounding techniques are the most important to me. I've learned how to ground myself, that's happened, I've learned a lot of calming breathing techniques. I can calm myself self-soothe pretty easy now. I like who I am now, whereas before, I didn't because I didn't have all these skills. Nobody helped me get out of a domestic violence relationship. That was all me. Nobody protected my children. That was all me. Nobody got that Eagle, Globe, and Anchor. That was all me.
You have to reach out for help. There's so many ways to get proper treatment. It doesn't matter if it happened 10 years after the military, you still deserve to be alive, and you were promised to be taken care of.