“A massive weight off my shoulders.” Army Veteran Describes Opening Up to Others
When I was medically discharged, I felt like I had quit. Yes, I had served a combat tour, but was it enough? I know guys that had served five. Should I have just kept it quiet, kept my injury quiet? That was a big part of the transition, blaming myself for quitting.
My name is Ryan. I served in the US Army from 2005 to 2008, and I was a military police officer. I was in eighth grade when 9/11 happened, and right from then, after that happened, that's all I wanted to do. Well, I spent a year in Baghdad, Iraq in 2006. Our main mission was to train the Iraqi police officers. My first three weeks while I was in Baghdad, I think we had picked up 25 bodies. We had taken small arms fire countless times, and then we had the one incident where we hit a roadside bomb, and that's where I sustained my injury. I was 18 years old. Seeing dead people, it was not something that anybody really should see. There's images that just sit inside of my head, ingrained into my skull.
I was okay for a while when I first got home, and then I just started feeling worthless. Like, I couldn't figure out what I was doing with my life. Getting out of the military and then becoming basically a mall cop, there was no power. There was no direction. There was no anything. I had to figure out everything on my own. I had gotten into a bad relationship with somebody I should not have. When I got divorced in 2015, I was at absolute rock bottom, constant migraines. I was too afraid at one point to go to sleep 'cause I didn't want the nightmares to come back. When it comes to my kids, before I sought treatment, I distanced myself from them, too. I don't want them to see me as a monster, and I got myself to a point where I didn't wanna do it anymore. My friend, who's a former Marine, he didn't like the way I phrased something in a text that I sent him, so he came rushing over. He stopped me from doing what I shouldn't have done, and I ended up in a hospital for a week. And that's when I met an organization in New Jersey called the New Jersey Veterans Network, and since then, I've done so much better.
I was as low as you can go without actually doing it, and now I'm here talking about it. I liked one-on-one therapy, so it was so helpful just to talk to somebody that would listen, and then I started to realize that the best thing I could do is talk to other vets, people who had gone through what I went through, or at least had an idea of what I had gone through. I learned to just take a deep breath, and not let your anger consume you. I learned that talking even a little bit about what happened that helped tremendously. Felt like I lifted a massive weight off my shoulders when I was finally able to talk about it. I was diagnosed with severe combat-related post- traumatic stress disorder. I have an amazing support system from my family. My current wife she came into the picture after I started treatment. She's another reason why I'm still breathing.
When I started treatment, I started to develop a better relationship with my kids. The time that I have now with them it is so much more improved, and, of course, my military buddies. But I play golf, and it's a very frustrating game, but it's so relaxing to just go and play on the golf course with one or three of your closest friends, and you give your mind some time to relax.
You have no idea how many people are fighting the same fight that you are. I'm tired of my friends taking their own lives. If I can get one person to say, "You know what, I need help,"then I did something that I feel was right. I thought it was weak to go and talk to a therapist. I always had the mentality that I don't need anybody's help. I just had to figure it out, and it got to a point where I couldn't figure it out. What's important is that I'm still alive for my kids, still alive for my parents and my brothers. That's all that matters, being alive.
