Army Veteran Shares Her Key to Working Through Trauma
We got ambushed. Helmet flew off, and my head hit the side of the Humvee.
My name is Michelle. I was in the army. I served from '01 to '09 as a flight medic on a Black Hawk helicopter, and I was deployed three times to Iraq. When I went to get my MOS and everything, my ship date was September 11th, 2001, and then I was off. When they train you, you get the basic medical training. You just don't really know how you're going to react to that situation until you get in there. I was just able to get in there and do my job and it was the aftermath for me that was hard. It's if I wasn't going, going, going, it was the once you got time to think about everything that you were doing was the hard part. While I was in the military, I wasn't gay. I was petrified of getting caught. I wasn't myself, so I also had that going on.
I had compartmentalized it. That's how I survived Iraq too. You compartmentalize everything. I got accepted into this program called Green to Gold, which I always wanted to be an officer. I wanted to be a helicopter pilot, so I technically got out to go into that program, so I wasn't technically active duty anymore, but I was still tied to the military. It was just all very strange, so once I got injured, it was just like they just cut me and that was it. Anytime I got into a setting that was even remotely stressful, somehow, I would get debilitating migraines and that's when they finally scanned my head. Stroke in right frontal lobe and all this stuff, so I was validated and had answers, because you feel crazy. I decided to go to this polytrauma rehab for 90 days inpatient where they treat everything, because I also was dealing with substance abuse issues because I just wanted it to all go away.
Once I did all of that and I went back to the outpatient program, I did really well. I saw a trauma therapist. At first, it was twice a week. Removing the drinking part changes your life, like night and day. It just made me so incredibly depressed. I didn't even have the energy to ask for help. I was so down. I have 100% post-traumatic stress disorder with underlying substance abuse issues, and I've done that EMDR. It's pretty intense, but it changed my life because they put you right back into where you were, let's say the recurring nightmare that you're having or whatever. You relive whatever moment or moments that are replaying in your head over and over in a negative way that maybe isn't allowing you to do life because of it, and you go through it in this safe space.
I just feel like therapy is good for anybody. Period. End of story. I think that once I got all the help I needed and worked through all the trauma, I think the last piece was finally not having to live this double life. I wouldn't be where I am today without her. She's very nurturing. She's an amazing caregiver. We've been married for almost four years. I've been sober for almost 13 years. Because of the sobriety, I was able to buy a house, live comfortably financially. Don't just settle for a therapist if you don't particularly vibe with them or jive with them. I've been through many. It doesn't just have to be one person. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It just makes life so much easier.
